“Hey man”
“Who are you? And why are you in my room?”
“Relax dude, it’s me. You”
“What?”
“I’m you, from the future”
“No shit… prove it”
“I see you just got a new Logitech keyboard from your computer”
“Yeah and?”
“You told Mum and Dad you spilt a glass of water on it while studying”
“Yeah… for my Legal Studies exam”
“You knocked a bottle of hand sanitizer on it while jacking off”
“Holy crap, you’re me”
“In the flesh”
“Is time travel possible in the future, that’s so cool!”
“Actually no… no it’s not.”
“Oh. So how are you here”
“Not really sure actually”
“Right”
“But while I’m here, I might as well tell you about life in 2012”
“2012? You’re like 7 years away from Blade Runner!”
“I know right? Still no flying cars though”
“Hmm… That’s not very cool”
“No. Come to think of it most stuff is pretty much the same”
“You’re not, you got fat”
“Fat??? Fuck you, we’ve always been fat”
“I weigh 75 kilos, how much do you weigh?”
“75 is my goal weight, I’m getting there!”
“Sure man, this kind of makes me feel better about myself. You know I don’t really take my shirt off at the pool”
“Yep, don’t worry, you ditch the ridiculous rash vests”
“Really? Looking like that?”
“Yep… you just stop going to the beach, problem solved!”
“Oh. OK...”
“And just for calling me fat I’m really gonna scare you now. Check this out”
“Holy crap the back of your head, that’s a huge bald patch”
“Yep, and I’m only 25”
“What did you do to us?!”
“You’ve got it now”
“No, no I don’t”
“You know that space you feel on the back of your head, that you got nervous and asked mum about”
“Stop…”
“That’s not your crown, that’s the start of it!”
“Come on man”
“But some of your friends, they’re balder than you, so it’s ok”
“This is depressing dude”
“Oh, sorry. Let’s talk about something cool yeah? Ask me anything”
“Do I ever ask Cara---“
“No you never ask Cara to the prom”
“Do I ever date—“
“No… In fact, because we’re such a pussy, Cara ends up going to the formal with a popular dude, dates him for two years. After that you graduate and you don’t really see her”
“But I was gonna ask her”
“You don’t. In fact you skip the formal all together. You couldn’t get a date so you end up ordering Pizza Hut and playing Final Fantasy VIII in this chair”
“Well I do like Final Fantasy I guess”
“Oh dude, we still love it. In fact, where I’m from, we can download it and play it on our new Playstations, and we have a 42 inch TV”
“That’s cool!”
“Right? I’m glad you’re pleased. We spend a lot of time playing this game”
“FF8?”
“Yeah”
“But it’s like 100 hours”
“Beat it 5 times”
“This is sad again…”
“Oh right! Well dude, you don’t date Cara, but you do eventually get a girlfriend. I’ve had a few actually”
“Sweet! So we have sex right?”
“Oh yeah, we have sex. Sometimes multiple times a week!”
“Hell yes, no more jerking off!”
“I’m sorry what?”
“No more jerking off. Because we get laid so much?”
“What? We jerk off all the time!”
“Why?”
“Because… I don’t know! The porn is good, you can get like 30 minute movies in a minute”
“That is awesome, but don’t people make fun of you?”
“Why?”
“Because you’re 25 and you still… you know”
“Oh, another happy thing! In high school you get made fun of for doing that right?”
“Yeah”
“As an adult, you find out every one does it, all the time!”
“That’s cool I guess”
“And there are so many new ways to enjoy it”
“What like toys and stuff? Kinda weird”
“No not toys, although you will experiment with one later, and you will end up at the doctors, but I’m trying to keep it light. So you know how you take the school picture into the shower and the toilet, and you have to wrap it in like 3 magazines so mum and dad don’t think we’re weird”
“No…”
“Don’t play dumb. So anyway, in like 4 years, there’s this thing called Social Media, it’s gonna be huge”
“Should I invest?”
“Oh… yeah I guess so, but here’s the great part. Girls that we know, put up profiles on the internet and post pictures, and sometimes… Sometimes they wear bikinis”
“Serious?”
“Totally serious. And you can just look at these pictures whenever you want, some Sunday’s I don’t even leave my house!”
“Well that sounds cool, but still kind of depressing… Hey, what’s beer like?”
“Awesome, totally awesome. Although you know how you called me fat before?”
“Yeah”
“That’s from beer mostly”
“Hmmm…”
“And you try cigarettes too”
“Really? That’s interesting”
“Yeah, they’re great! They cost like double now though, and you find it hard to walk up that hill on the way home from work”
“Man…. You’re really bumming me out”
“Yeah… I’m kind of bumming myself out. Hey, wanna know how to beat Omega Weapon?”
“Ummm… yes!”
“Awesome, I have all these strategies”
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